Hey, I keep not being able to figure out what's going on with this wedding
of mine. Maybe somebody can help me. Some days I feel so crazy excited about
it - I'm like BURSTING with plans and thoughts about the perfect spot for a
Pagoda and all this other stuff. Then other days I just, get so anxious
thinking about that night. It's like a drug - it's driving me crazy but I
can't stop thinking about it ever.

Yesterday! Fercripes sake, I was driving around thinking Oh I'll do a
potpourri bar (guests mix their own potpourri - unique, sort of?) and then
Oh will the potpourri bar clash with the chocolate-dipping fountain? And
Will any of this fit with me riding in on the unicorn? and We'll have a
harpist and All the tables will be under toadstool umbrellas (saw it in
Remarkable Bride) and art supplies and all this stuff... It all got me so
wound up! Jesus Christ I actually went to the Halloween area at Lowes
because I was thinking - actually thinking - about some kind of pudding
cauldron! (Though that thought had actually passed even before I got back to
the parking lot.)

And then I wake up today and it's like, Ohmygod - I'm going to spend the
rest of my life remembering my wedding day as the most embarrassing day of
my life. Can't think of it as anything other than that, and stress, and
phoniness, and How stupid is it for a grown woman to wanna get married? And
the thought of all the other stuff - the fantasy stuff - all seems so
completely ridiculous. All that's gonna happen on my wedding day is I'm
gonna be married to "Rob Rankrus" and everything else is just gonna be
ridiculous - something our so-called friends and screwed-up families will
have to endure just long enough to laugh at later. But not me - for me it'll
be forever. I'll be spending eternity at this crazy Hobbit, dessert bar
fantasy! I'm the only guest I should be worried about!

Well. Anyway. That's what I get to thinking. Why do I get like this? I don't
know. Sorry everybody. Other days I'm not like this.

Hey Everyone!

Thanks to Jean and Deb and Lori and Kristen and Tanya and Mom and Rob and
all the rest who showed up last night to see the (hopefully) launch of my
singer-songwriting career! It was such a thrill and it was just like they
say - the second I took the stage (I know, it wasn't a real stage) I felt
all my nerves settle down and I was at home - finally at home - on the stage
of all places! I can't believe how well the set went. Thanks for already
knowing all the lyrics and singing along Jean and Deb. We even sold 1 CD!

Unfortunately, after the show, and the celebration at Houli's, fucked a
wheel on my Saturn on one of those stupid fucking poles in parking lots.
WTF?! Thought I'd laid a nice base of Trucker Fries and some Smoked Pork
Flatbreads (thanks Neal) but maybe had a few too many Naughty
Margaritas/Blueberry Martinis (though ended with a Coffee Fabulosity)...
Whatever. Why lie?! I was celebrating! Geico says the Saturn's a total. Who
cares.

Still, though it was a disappointing turnout (and my insurance'll go way up)
who cares? It was still a start, and everybody's career starts somewhere. It
was a thrill to be on stage, and to be singing my songs, and to be fixing
the problems and anxieties I feel everyday but am not able to figure out or
express through the language I usually use. I won't be able to quit my
regular job for a while still ($10! After about two weeks of working on the
labels!) But still, it's the thrill of my life - I'm a singer! I can finally
say it and mean it! I'm a singer! I'm on my way! I'm so happy!

To all my friends and fans (and family). I am happy to announce that my
career is really shifting into high gear. On Sunday I finished writing the
second of the two songs that will appear on my 4thcoming CD "Broke Down in
the Middle of Nowhere." The second song is tentatively titled "Frustration."

I also recently have launched my official web-site. It's called
tearsofconfusion.com. It won't be fully-ops-ville for a few weeks, but when
it does go up, it'll have my CD for sale - "Broke Down in the Middle of
Nowhere".

And finally. And last but not least... (drumroll please) I HAVE MY VERY
FIRST GIG! At the 'stool! I AM SO NERVOUS! Under the Toadstool is the
Candlery, Incensery and Cardery Store in Tamarack Mall (Car-X end) where I
work on the weekends and where I'll make my GRAND DEBUT ON AUGUST 31st,
2005! Mark your calendars. Josh is my boss there and he is the one who gave
me my big break! ; - o {thanks dude

I would like to thank Josh, and GarageBand, and Rob Rankrus, and Jewel, and
my fellow co-workers at Allstate (Hi!). And finally, I want to thank America
for being a place where one day you're depressed, and the next day you're
hopes and your desires and you're inner spirit have come into harmony and
allowed you to take your self to a higher plain! God Bless America! See you
at the Toadstool (12723245 Denny Hecker Ln, W., Woodbury) on the 31st
Everyone! Check my website for details - it'll be up right after the
concert's over (unfortunately).

Hey people of the web, ain't this life its GRAND! The flowers out by the
onramp are like a painter's easel today. I think I'll write a song about
people getting off work 2night. I keep thinking about a wedding like little
people who live under mushrooms and dance and play the little songs. Do you
know what I mean? Maybe I'll ride on a unicorn in! Every table could be
decimated as a mushroom so our guests feel like they're in a wet green
garden, like our store Under the Toadstool looks! Everyone will be
encouraged to do artwork and express their creatives sides too so the art
supplies will really be FLYING. Then I ride in. Singing one of my songs from
my album - Wow! Frogs croaking on the PA? Looked at a location yesterday
after work - BITE MY BALLS Anoka Pavilion! Too close to Cracker Barrel and
Cabelas! They just billed the Cabelas. Good-BYE!

Clown Class. I'm not sure what I thought of it, overall. It definitely took
a religious slant (our teacher's clown name was Jesus of Laugh-a-rus -
PRETTY FUCKING STUPID. - I don't know if he was supposed 2 B THE Jesus - I
was hoping for something, less religious, more fun). Anyway. He did have a
degree in theater.

And the other guy was pretty off. He was a janitor named Blovo (real name,
clown name - I don't know) and he kind of SCARED me. He was like a REAL
CLOWN. He had scary makeup on (even when we got there) and a hole act in
Hungarian or something - a monkey, a big cow bone, leather clothes - I would
never have guessed from this guy we were in America! Let alone the basement
of Catholic Charities just off Bass Lake Road. He KIND OF followed me to my
car later but there's a Boston Market right there so never felt 2 scared.
; ) I think he lives in his car. : ( . He works at the Rennaiassansce (sp!)
Faiyre.

Well, even though I've done nothing but complain about it, think I'll go
back next week an give it another try! I'm on a path. Todd (Jesus) said
Jesus (the real Jesus) was like a clown - maybe. I really believe joy and
fun and laughter and mirth and Happiness R a state of mind. My mom has a
sign on her wall: You can never laugh to much. I believe that!

I always struggle with Sundays, actually. Rob and I started off fighting
about, well, food in general but Pop Tarts in particular, and their music
video contest most particularly. He thinks it's stupid and everyone's an
actor 'cause their songs are too good. Then it's all I'm too old for a Pop
Tarts music video (we're never too old to try something new) and back to I'm
too fat. God. He always ends there 'cause he knows I obsess about my weight.
Whattaya think gals? Does four cookie dough Pop Tarts have fewer carbs than
an entire bottle of Captain Morgan RUM?!! Yeah, I don't think so Chachi!

So, later I ended up signing up for a clown class on Monday nights. Hot
weather so no one in the 'stool and, just ended up thinking, surfing the web
for something new (sick of wedding planning ; ) for now), found some, Clown
College Christian thing and, something about Circque de Soleilliele (sp!)
last weekend and wanting to get in shape and, just, wanting something. I
don't know. Also, fuck you "Rob" - you're so GODDAM HAPPY ALL THE TIME?!
Smile sometime you TWAT.

It's on Monday nights and Clown Personas is our first class. Kind of
dreading it. But we only advance in our journey by testing ourselves, right
everybody! I really believe that. Well. Break's almost over. Wish me luck
tonight in my bold new adventure in the circus!!! Just kidding, I'm not
joining the Circus. I'm really a singer, not a clown, but it'll be fun, and
I really do believe in the journey, balance, respect, and all the rest : )

I hate to say it, because yes, I do get sick of it and yes, I have dreams of
being a singer and actress and maybe even talk-show host (!) someday, but
Allstate is really not a bad place to work. I like "the girls" who work
there with me. My friends there have become my best friends (and you too,
mom!) and who are constantly challenging me to try new things - like
blogging! And yoga. And book-club. So what I'm trying to say is, working at
Allstate is a pretty great place to work! (Especially when U consider all
the remarkable ways Allstate brings hope to people in need. Don't forget
about that!)

And of course it isn't easy to make money, you DO need a job when you're
just starting your career, as I hope I am. Nelly Furtado and Kylie Minogue
and Shakira were all waitresses before they got their start. Hello out there
all you producers! You know I can act and you know I can play guitar! I
would love to meet you and lay down some songs together or at least send you
my upcoming CD - "Broken Down in the Middle of Nowhere". Of course I love my
job and my Allstate friends but hey! Come on! It's not like everyone who
works there isn't kinda hoping in the back of their mind that they don't end
up working at the SAME PLACE FOREVER! Know what I mean? It would just be
nice to mix it up a little after five years and two months. Even though it's
a great place to work. By the way - my stage name is Thistle, producers.

And my fiance - everybody needs to work - is what I was talking about. So
Allstate's great for now. My fiance, for example, has an eBay auction
business and has a number of different ways of finding stuff to sell on
eBay. I guess I think it's pretty crazy, actually, but yeah, so be it - we
all need to make money doin' something real while we figure out what our
DREAMS will be! I've rambled a lot on this post, but believe it or not,
there is a theme and that theme is this: life sometimes seems like it sucks
and you'll get depressed (take it from one who's been there, a LOT!) but
have heart - as people know I say - keep your dreams alive and keep your
hope alive and keep on truckin' towards that dream - 'cause without our
dreams, this world is a mighty lonely place!

I love to shop - don't get me wrong. I love everything about it, actually.
But today I was shopping during my am break and I had a weird thought. C if
U'R with me here Gals! I thought for a second mayB I hate to shop. And I
guess I DO! I mean, I always hate it at the same time I luv it - K W I M? I
love clothes, but I always get depressed about my body. I M 2 FAT! Not
really but I feel that way. I hate mirrors so BAD! I'm pretty and all, but -
I guess I'm having trouble saying what I want 2 say. Maybe it's me that
makes me depressed. Looking at that person in the mirror gets me depressed
because I know who she is. I know that person, and I know shopping will
never make that crazy person happy. Nothing will probably. Y do I feel this
way? Does this happen 2 U GALS?!

On the weekends I work at a Candle Store in the Tamarack Mall in Woodbury. Well I just want
2 say, I like people who GET candles. What do I mean by that? I mean, all
the things we sell at "Under the Toadstool" relax people and make them
happier people, people in touch with maybe nothing more than the knowledge -
self knowledge - that candles smell good and make you relax! I like people
who are self-aware. That's my thought for the day, people of the web! Try 2
relax and not B so uptight all the time. When U R relaxed, U R more fun 2 B
around. Stop scowling. Start laughing. Light a CANDLE!